I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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