we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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