Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
