I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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