tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
