It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Small penises have feelings too.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
