i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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