I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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