It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
