i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Randomize
