so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
