he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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