my shit smells like andre
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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