Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
its liver damage thursday
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
