how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
