Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
