Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You may now shotgun with the bride
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
