A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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