I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
