...so i touched it.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize