I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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