The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
