Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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