If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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