Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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