my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
