I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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