is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
