You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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