I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
