well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
