Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
