You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
