i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
