I'm really into asian looking animals
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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