chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
