apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize