I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
