He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
