I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
