"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You've changed since you got that strap on
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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