Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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