I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
