Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
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