I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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