I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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