I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
