she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
