I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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