Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
