Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
