sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
