Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
