i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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