I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
