It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
