We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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