the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize