im about as happy as oj after his trial
I could make wine with my vomit
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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